November 24, 2023 -

Hello, my name is Misha. Last summer I returned from a 67-day boat trip down the Amazon River. I returned by a sheer miracle. Here is the backstory:

I had a dream to travel around the world. So I roamed and hitchhiked until the roads disappeared and there was a jungle and a river in front of me... What did I think? I thought that I should build a canoe and row down the river, of course. The idea turned out to be hilarious, even if it almost cost me my life – pirates, you know. Let me tell you about some of my adventures through this list of interesting facts.

Fact 1. The local tastes are very unconventional.

What do you think of the dish in this photo? I'll leave this to your judgment. They also boil a kind of banana here, and the result is something similar to potatoes. When fried, they taste like potato chips.

Whaaat? Yes.

Fact 2. The locals are scared of bearded people.

No kidding! If you are planning to land in the Peruvian parts of the Amazon river, you'd better shave. It turns out that the local population has next to no hair on their arms and legs, and the same goes without saying about a beard or whiskers. As a result, many locals will be weirded out by foreigners with 'pelo cara' (Spanish for facial hair) - it's too ridiculous.

I am

Fact 3. You should beat on the water surface before you go swimming.

I saw locals bathe in their boats – pouring a bucket of water on themselves. I had thought initially that the rationale behind that was piranhas or crocodiles, but it was way more interesting: the river is full of electric eels. Those who wish to take a bath before bedtime first should hit the water with a stick a few times so that the eels are scared away. The electric shock you could receive is not fatal, but losing your consciousness while bathing can be.

Yes, it's an anaconda

Fact 4. Mosquitoes that carry malaria are active at night.

There is quite a list of diseases you could catch on this river, but the most widely spread diseases are dengue fever and malaria. They say that the first one makes you crave a suicide because of the intense pain, and the second one has a number of unpleasant symptoms that do not mix well with a pleasant journey. The good thing is that the mosquito species that carries malaria is only active after sunset. I will never forget this rule: you should be under your mosquito net by 18.05. Unfortunately, it's next to impossible to escape any bites whatsoever.

Fact 5. There are dolphins in the Amazon river.

Oh, this is a miracle indeed. Pink-coloured freshwater dolphins are one of the few creatures that have no intention to off you here. This gorgeous endemic species (that is, a species that dwells in this area only) can be good company and moral support. At times they can also refreshingly startle you on a sleepy morning – jumping out of the water right in front of the canoe. They reach 2.5 meters in length, while my canoe was only 3.5 meters long.

It's hard to take a photo, the only photo is not mine.

Fact 6. There are no crocodiles in the Amazon river.

Yes, you can relax. That’s a stereotype. There are no crocodiles there as the river is too big and the current is too strong. Who would choose to fight it all the time? So crocodiles abound in the nearby lakes instead. They range from ‘regular’ crocodiles to black caimans that can be rather aggressive. However, I have not heard of any single case when they attacked humans. On the contrary, the locals hunt crocodiles. One night I managed to find a crocodile to have a look at but I did not dare to kill it – I am really fond of these gorgeous reptiles.

Fact 7. The water itself can be dangerous.

In alcohol there is truth, in water there are bacteria. Let’s disregard the fact that the bushes near the water can be a dwelling of snails that carry blood flukes responsible for human intestinal schistosomiasis. There is a less obvious risk. The air temperature is around 30°C (or 86°F), you spend ten hours a day on the open water, your canoe has a leak… That means that your feet are wet all the time, and you have no problem with that during the first week. Then all this dampness leads to the ‘trench foot syndrome’. The locals say: ‘aqua come piernes’, which is Spanish for ‘water eats feet’. It is fortunate that some motor oil saves the day. You apply motor oil for two or three days, and the skin on your feet has time to heal.

Fact 8. The locals have a grudge against the US because of ‘the UFOs’

Do you remember the superstition about beards? That was nothing. Far too many times I heard stories that the USA uses UFOs to kidnap people and experiment on them. I guess the jungle has a rich soil for everything to grow out of proportion, and folklore is not an exception. Nevertheless, the local people are incredible. Their trust and responsiveness have melted my heart.

My canoe "Liberty"

Fact 9. Some local communities already have Starlink.

That is especially true for the Brazilian part of the river. The devices are powered by solar batteries (I saw solar batteries in schools in the Peruvian part as well). There is dense jungle all around, but that does not prevent people from keeping track of the current events in the world. They are especially keen on soccer. This is way more than just a game in South America.

There is a plate on the roof of a police pickup truck in Brazil. Thank you, Elon!

Fact 10. Pirates are searching for gold and drugs.

The trust and hospitality that I saw here are shadowed by the cruelty and lawlessness right next door. Everything takes a monstrous size on the Amazon river. Everything is extreme. I will remember a segment of my way where there were no major settlements, just a few small communities hidden in the jungle. This is the very place where local pirates killed several adventurers. This was the very place where I was attacked, having almost passed it unscathed. It was the first attack of the four I survived.

Gold is panned from this river (a photo of a gold-panning vessel is below), and it is also a route for drug traffic from Peru. These are the two things that Amazonian pirates seek to find most, while the poorer of them are ready to take even small things from you. I got robbed of everything, including a small rusty hammer. I won’t forgive that. Luckily, I still have my life.

This list is just the tip of an iceberg. Would you like to learn more? Please tell me what you would like to know in the comments. If this is of any interest, I will continue the series of stories about my trip to the Amazon river. I don't speak English very well, but I will use a translator.

Meet my friend Vasily

This summer I will be going on a new trip to Melanesia.
Now I’m preparing and writing about my past trip.