TODAY.com
today.com › life › inspiration › funny-quotes-rcna125351
175 Funny Quotes That Are Laugh-Out-Loud Good
September 29, 2025 - “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” — Joan Rivers · “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton · “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” — Shirley MacLaine
Uselessjokes
uselessjokes.com › the-ultimate-compilation-30-as-useless-as-jokes
The Ultimate Compilation: 30 “As Useless As” Jokes – Useless Jokes
As useless as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.
What's your most hilarious one-liner?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." - Steven Wright More on reddit.com
99
46
October 26, 2024What are some clever sayings to call someone useless?
You're about as useful as tits on a boar.
More on reddit.com 38
7
April 4, 2013What's a good as useless as?
A reminder to posters and commenters of some of our subreddit rules Don't be a dickhead to each other, or about others, or other subreddits Assume questions are asked in good faith, and engage in a positive manner Avoid political threads and related discussions No medical advice or mental health (specific to a person) content Please keep r/AskUK a great subreddit by reporting posts and comments which break our rules. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. More on reddit.com
99
26
November 19, 2022What’s your favourite “as useless as ____”?
Anne Frank's drumset More on reddit.com
71
34
January 3, 2018The Poke
thepoke.com › home › ‘as useless as …’ – 19 hilariously descriptive put-downs
'As useless as ...' - 19 hilariously descriptive put-downs - The Poke
November 21, 2022 - Over on Reddit’s r/AskUK forum, u/Ed_mutts_nuts asked – What’s a good ‘As useless as?’ They added – I love the English language and our creations. Someone came out with as useless as a woodpecker with rubber lips at a co-worker today. ...
A-Z Quotes
azquotes.com › quotes › topics › useless-things.html
TOP 25 USELESS THINGS QUOTES | A-Z Quotes
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ... It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information. ... Oscar Wilde (2013).
Wikihow
wikihow.com › arts and entertainment › fun activities › jokes › 210+ stupid funny lines & quotes to make you laugh out loud
210+ Stupid Funny Lines & Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud
May 7, 2025 - But it says chicken. By the sea.” – Jessica Simpson · “I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” – Britney Spears · “I think MTV should consider using subtitles. Half the time, even I can't understand what the f*** I'm talking about.” – Ozzy Osbourne · “I'm thinking of buying a monkey. Then I think, ´Why stop at one?´ I don't like being limited in that way.
GotLines
gotlines.com › insults › useless
You're as useless as... Insults
You're as useless as a wooden frying-pan.
Gotinsults
gotinsults.com › insults › useless
You're Useless - Got Insults?
You're as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.
Quora
quora.com › What-is-the-best-possible-way-to-finish-the-phrase-about-as-much-use-as
What is the best possible way to finish the phrase 'about as much use as.'? - Quora
For physical uselessness: “about as much use as a screen door on a submarine.”
Shayne
shayne.fun › home › blog › 205 stupid funny sayings (and quotes about stupidity)
205 Stupid Funny Sayings (and Quotes About Stupidity) | Shayne.fun
December 20, 2022 - There is no better source of stupid funny sayings than Michael Scott from The Office. This is nowhere near every one of the famous manager’s wise words. They’re merely the tip of the bucket! They’re just a drop in the iceberg.
Pinterest
pinterest.com › kathleenschupp › useless-people
Useless people
Skip to content · Search for easy dinners, fashion, etc · When autocomplete results are available use up and down arrows to review and enter to select. Touch device users, explore by touch or with swipe gestures · Log in · Sign up · Useless people · 30 Pins · Kathleen Schupp · Related ...
Reddit
reddit.com › r/redditforgrownups › what's your most hilarious one-liner?
r/RedditForGrownups on Reddit: What's your most hilarious one-liner?
October 26, 2024 -
Any context. Mine is about the joke I overheard between Oedipus and Midas, it was motherfkn gold.
HumorNama
humornama.com › jokes › as-useless-as-jokes
75 Funny As Useless As Jokes And Sayings In 2026
January 29, 2026 - You’re as useless as a pair of glasses on a man with one ear.
Mroneliner
mroneliner.com › insults.html
Mr. One-Liner's One Line Insults
They call you "a free spirit" because it sounds better than "out of control wing-nut." You're about as useless as the "g" in lasagna. You're so fat, when the doctor examined you he said, "Open your mouth and say 'Moo.'" You have an open mind, but it's closed for repairs.
Oldnever
oldnever.com › 70 funny as useless as jokes and sayings
70 Funny As Useless As Jokes And Sayings - Oldnever
May 24, 2024 - You’re as useless as a one-armed trapeze artist with an itch.
The Poke
thepoke.com › 2024 › 04 › 24 › hall-of-fame-putdowns
'You're as useless as ...' 20 hall of fame put-downs that are very funny and totally nail it - The Poke
April 24, 2024 - ... And by way of a little background, they added this. ‘I love the English language and our creations. Someone came out with as useless as a woodpecker with rubber lips at a co-worker today. Cracked me up. Any more really original ones?’
OneLineFun
onelinefun.com › oneliner-2852
You're about as useless as an asshole with ... - OneLineFun.com
You're about as useless as an asshole with tastebuds. ... Your cock is so small you could use it to floss teeth. ... You're so poor that when you light up a Lucifer, the cockroaches celebrate that they finally have central heating.
Best Life
bestlifeonline.com › home › daily living › 135 funny one-liners that'll crack anyone up
135 Funny One-Liners to Break Awkward Silences — Best Life
June 24, 2025 - One looks over at the other and says, “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?” · I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. She said, “How do you know he has a job?” · Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in. It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and interrupt his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Parade
parade.com › 940913 › parade › funny-quotes
180 Funny Quotes That Will Make You LOL! (And They're All Safe for Work)
November 18, 2025 - If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.” — Socrates · 107. “By all means, move at a glacial pace; you know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep), The Devil Wears Prada · 108. “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone · 109. “Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.” — Robin Williams
BrainyQuote
brainyquote.com › quote topics › useless quotes
Useless Quotes - BrainyQuote
It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office. Shirley MacLaine · The university's business is the conservation of useless knowledge; and what the university itself apparently fails to see is that this enterprise is not only noble but indispensable as well, that society can not exist unless it goes on. Albert J. Nock · It takes in reality only one to make a quarrel.
Reddit
reddit.com › r/askreddit › what are some clever sayings to call someone useless?
r/AskReddit on Reddit: What are some clever sayings to call someone useless?
April 4, 2013 -
Example: You are like a clock pendulum that does not swing.