I am confused about emotional invalidation and what is normal in a relationship when fighting or arguing. I feel that in every single relationship I've had, I've been emotionally invalidated (as well as by family members.) I've had a few abusive relationships, but I've also been with people who weren't abusive but were invalidating. I'm unsure if I am recognizing invalidation correctly, or if invalidation is a societal problem and a common way that people respond to things.

Typically, what happens is that I have a negative emotional reaction to something someone does (like getting angry) and instead of apologizing or validating me, they defend themselves. One person said "your emotions/perception don't reflect reality", which felt like gaslighting but maybe they were trying to say that feelings are not facts? Sometimes I feel like emotional invalidation is just a way that people commonly respond to what they feel is an attack (in a very unskilled way.) Unfortunately, I'm very quick to put my tail between my legs and "submit" to the other person, even when my feeling was valid. But I think its because it all gets so confusing, and I can't really tell whats happening anymore. I think that I don't express anger/my emotions in the most skilled way, so maybe it warrants the invalidation? i have no idea. With the same person who said the statement above, I told them they were invalidating me and then they felt like they couldn't respond in arguments and could only say "Ok."

I'm confused by all of this. How do you recognize emotional invalidation as a form of abuse or as being toxic? What is normal validation? Is this a societal problem/very common?