The Bel Aire Diner in Astoria, New York is no stranger to these challenges as a family-run business crumbling under dysfunction. With their parents retiring, Ramsay urges two brothers to work through their emotional conflicts to save their beloved restaurant.

👎Martin from Dillon’s: The general manager of an NYC Indian/American restaurant. Aside from socializing and playing on his phone, Martin doesn't seem to do much of anything.

The dining room walls are draped in hospital linens, creating an unappealing ambiance. After praying the meal will not kill him, Gordon finds meat in the vegetarian appetizer sampler and is served lamb in place of beef. He summons the chef responsible for the abominable burnt salmon and potato dish and makes him eat it.

Gordon inspects the kitchen and quickly discovers it is infested with vermin. He also finds moldy meat and rotten produce. Shocked and repulsed by his findings, Gordon shuts down Dillon's. He hires steam cleaners to sanitize the restaurant and disposes of the rancid inventory. Gordon takes the owner and managers to his restaurant London to show them what a kitchen should look like.

Gordon chastises Martin’s odd demeanor, preoccupation with his phone, and lazing about at work. When a server tells Gordon his criticism of Martin is angering her, he explains that his issue is with Martin and requests that she stfu and mind her own business.

During service, Martin is awkward and befuddled. The kitchen gets backed up and customers complain about the food; Martin does fuck all about it as usual. His ineptitude frustrates everyone around him, yet his nonchalance persists.

Gordon tells owner Mohammad that Martin is manipulating him. Incensed by the allegation, Martin accuses Gordon of slandering him. He then quits his job, saving himself from further humiliation. Martin unsuccessfully sued Gordon after the episode wrapped.

👎Michele from The Secret Garden: The overconfident Michele seems to believe that being French is synonymous with being a great chef. His menu is comprised of bizarre dishes that have failed to attract customers. Michele’s staff is not shy about pointing out his shortcomings, calling him arrogant and temperamental.

Gordon is appalled at finding mold and maggots in Michele’s filthy kitchen. Michele is unconcerned by his unhygienic practices, telling Gordon he once worked for renowned chef Thomas Keller. Gordon retorts by asserting that Thomas Keller would be embarrassed by the state of Michele’s kitchen. Michele claims his business is lucrative but fails to give Gordon an answer when asked about his annual profit. Gordon has the staff clean the kitchen from top to bottom.

At dinner service, Michele abandons his post to fraternize with customers in service of his ego. Gordon accuses Michele of being more in love with himself than he is with the restaurant. In an attempt to get Michele to see the light, Gordon boards up the premises with plywood and closed signs. Michele is enraged by the stunt and worries it will lead potential patrons to think the restaurant has gone out of business.

Gordon’s new specials do not impress Michele, who claims Gordon is not a great chef. Despite Michele’s disapproval, the specials prove popular with customers. A lack of communication between the front and back of the house results in long wait times and dissatisfied diners. Michele responds to the crisis by comping many orders. Server Jane becomes fed up with Michele’s constant disrespect and leaves the restaurant.

Gordon criticizes the aesthetics of the dining room, which is filled with tacky antiques; Michele calls it charming. While the staff is delighted with the updated look, Michele is anything but. Gordon replaces Michele’s crusted and stuffed dishes with modern fare, but Michele worries that customers will long for his culinary creations.

At relaunch, a food critic is served over-seasoned tuna. Michele declares the new menu is not up to par and attempts to win over the food critic with his stuffed fillet of beef, much to Gordon’s horror. In the heat of an argument, Gordon loses his temper with Michele and calls him a lazy cunt. Gordon screams at Michele to clean his kitchen, but the Frenchman steadfastly refuses.

Gordon convinces Michele to serve a proper dish from the new menu in place of Michele’s disastrous dish. The food critic is pleased with her meal, but Michele does not believe customers prefer Gordon's dishes over his own. After Michele learns the restaurant made $3000 that night, he finally seems convinced that Gordon’s changes are for the better. After Gordon left, Michele claimed that customer demand for his dishes resulted in him bringing back the old menu.

👎Sebastian from Sebastian’s: Owner Sebastian is obsessed with his complex menu concept of gourmet flavor combinations, which he believes is his establishment's claim to fame. Gordon finds the menu needlessly complicated and is flabbergasted when Sebastian reveals that in addition to the 20 combinations on the menu, he has come up with 20 more.

Sebastian lies to Gordon about the calamari being fresh and whines to his parents on the phone after Gordon disparages his pathetic food. Gordon is not happy with the soggy pizza or the chopped up dog food steak. Sebastian tells Gordon his aspiration is to become an international franchise; an exasperated Gordon attempts to reason with him to no avail. Gordon then catches Sebastian bragging that he won the argument and calls bullshit.

Gordon conducts a kitchen inspection and finds nothing but frozen food. Sebastian comps $300 worth of food due to customer complaints and abandons the restaurant to hang out with his friends. He tells Gordon that regaling customers with his presence makes up for the substandard food. Gordon asks Sebastian if he's happy being a fake chef; Sebastian says he doesn’t believe he’s a fake chef and restates his desire to become a global brand.

Although the ridiculous menu confuses staff and customers alike, Sebastian is devoted to it above all else. Gordon's first order of business is getting rid of Sebastian's menu, much to the latter's distress. Sebastian claims the new menu lacks uniqueness and remains fixated on his crazy concept. A frustrated Sebastian retreats to his office and complains that the staff are shirking their cleaning duties.

Despite the new menu being a hit with customers, Sebastian reinstates the old menu, saying he will never forsake his flavor combinations. Gordon tells Sebastian he has never met someone he believes in as little as him. After an outburst in front of staff, an unhinged Sebastian confronts Gordon, who calls him an ungrateful, nasty, vindictive joker.

After taking a breather outside, Sebastian sees the error of his ways and returns to the restaurant. Despite his teary epiphany, Sebastian immediately reverted to the old menu after Gordon left, and the restaurant closed its doors a few months after the episode aired.

Everyone has a favourite villain of Kitchen Nightmares. When we sit and think about it, it’s usually a person (“I’ve trained with all the best French chef’s” or “Same waters, Gordy.”). For me, the best villains weren’t the specific individual, whether it was a chef or owner, but merely Vanity and Stubbornness. Those are the suckers that consistently provided the most entertaining episodes. La Riveria, the eighth episode of the UK series, is a perfect example of that. This is an all-time great episode, and there aren’t any actual bad guys in it – the owner loves his team, despite losing a fortune on the restaurant (he can afford it since he brought KFC to Scotland), and the chefs, including Luic as the head chef, are incredibly talented.

But boy, is that Frenchman one vain, stubborn bastard. Gordon arrives and finds some of the most pompous, pretentious food we’ve ever seen on the show, UK or US versions, even though it’s clear from just one plate (of about 30 ingredients) that Luic has a lot of passion and talent for such a young age. He’s just trying way too hard and refuses to listen to Gordon about simplifying the menu, a lesson learned in almost every UK episode. My favourite bit is when Gordon finally tries to show him the error of his ways by bringing in an ex-Michelin Guide judge, and they both cook a scallop dish, and (of course) Gordon’s wins whereas Luic’s is too complicated to have earned a Rosette. The funniest thing about this challenge is that at least from looking at the dishes…fuck me, Luic’s looked a dozen times better.

I love everything about this episode. I love how Luic is a “dotty wee bastard” for so much of it, finally relenting when he and his chef’s realize they can’t even understand basic Scottish dishes, and that’s why their pretentious food is confusing the locals so much. I love how immediately, once Luic admits he was wrong, he makes a great dish right off the hop. I love the backstory into Gordon's own failed Scottish restaurant in his hometown, which failed because it was also trying to be too fancy. I love Gordon using delicious Scotch as a metaphor to the owner. And I especially love when Gordon sends all the French chef’s off to buy kilts and nearly moon their female lunchtime customers. It’s just such a delightful, funny episode where we learn even more about the importance and process of treating quality, local ingredients in an unfussy way.

The return was so bizarre, elevating the tale of this restaurant even more, though that only comes into play in the Revisited episode which I might get to eventually, I dunno, I thought I’d be on like Episode 30 by now haha. Takes longer to find time to write these dang things than I expected, but I appreciate the couple private messages urging me to go forward, cheers guys.

Rating: 10/10

Best Moment: The scallop dish competition. The look on Luic’s face when he realizes he lost – so great.

Worst Moment: Chef’s tables are weird, Gordon. I can’t imagine anyone liking that shit.

Next Up: “Sugar sandwiches? Are you mad?”